Life goes round and round. Merry-go-round… is it that merry though? this is a perfect image for life. Or at least how I see it. Right now, not so colourful, not so focused, not so sure… and going absolutely nowhere (or maybe just another dimension!)

Anyway.

This is interesting, I know it seems weird for me to analyse my own work, but let’s be honest it’s not like someone else is going to write an assay to it…. and I want to publish a little more than just a picture I took, I want to explain why I chose it, why now, why is it this way, and why I love it. I am right now in some kind of carousel as well… I have no idea how or why i got here, and I have no idea when or where I am going to get out. It’s just confusing with mostly unfocused parts and some focused corners.  It’s seems to go super fast and somehow it seems stuck in the same place… if there is someone that can actually tell me something that might help my head to figure something out please just let me know. But no conventional b*****it I just cannot get general advice anymore. For that, if you don’t know what to say just give me a beer!

Anyway.

Most of the times we look back in retrospect and say how good these times were… just because we completely seem to erase our bad feelings… these kind of “sick feelings”… can someone that has them get rid of them completely anyway? I wish to know… it’s more that palpitations… it is more like a sick brain… a leaf that forgot how to produce chlorophyl… a used battery… someone that lost the ability to produce and transform energy… is there really an easy way to go back… the awareness of your existence in this vast space can produce so much anxiety that it may lead someone to implosion… and somehow most people will only comment by saying that it is because the person wants to feel that way. Because they don’t consider the knowledge of the passing time, a lost past and some impossible futures something that someone should worry about. And maybe they are right but still, are they entitled to judge and claim that the normality is not that? Just because they don’t know how to put in words certain feelings, or that their brain (happily) cannot create those existential questions, doesn’t mean they are the normal ones. It is unsettling but it also is a sign of consciousness and brain activity… it normally makes us aware of our insignificance and smallness… which is true… and FINE.

We should just enjoy our passage here and forget social pressure. Thanks to the internet we are more and more aware of the fact that there is always someone like you or someone that thinks like you. We are diverse, and no one should judge or claim knowing better “how to LIFE” and no one should make us feel bad because we have a different perception that makes us mindful of ideas contradictory to the ones society tries to sell you.

Being extraordinary. Being special. And having to at least accomplish: work, salary, marriage, kids, security and happiness.

And anything less that that is wrong.

Extraordinary is only in the range of what they claim is important. The rest is abnormal. It’s just wrong. And someone that still feels bad about their life when the already have happiness are just sick because they want to, and therefore shouldn’t even say it out loud.

I think i have a pretty extraordinary life.

Would I have liked to have different experiences or make different choices? maybe, but I can’t know because I haven’t lived them. And I don’t know if one choice would have changed only what I wanted changed or would have made me different. I don’t know. And this knowing and calculations of alternatives sometimes make me sick. Because I have something. Something that makes me unable to get out of bed, and work or just function. I have it, and chances are that half of the people reading this or in the same room as you also have it. We tend to not want to talk about it. It makes people uncomfortable, and *** forbid we do that right?! I cannot just express myself because people tell me that they don’t know how to tell me when I just want to talk, I don’t seek a response. I feel like I am judge if I am down. Because most people have a harder life than me but somehow I feel bad. And I shouldn’t right? But somehow my unfocused, unsharp, unsaturated carousel keeps on going. Sometimes I have euphoria, sometimes I feel nausea… my life is pretty amazing but somehow I still feel bad…

And that makes me someone to be avoided, because I cannot say anything or someone will feel uncomfortable. SO keep on smiling even when you hate it they say. A bad face doesn’t help. But maybe forcing myself to smile is more toxic to me than you just realise. And maybe, I have to poison myself this way so you don’t have to be uncomfortable. But maybe, I can just say FECK IT and smile when I am happy, cry when I am sad, survive everyday by saying what goes through me and maybe you should do the same so everything is out and we can finally try to build something real.

Love, T.