Hello WORLD! Oh well! I really have to get around with more pics!

I am sorry!

I have to get something done again!

I have to explore my world with my camera on hand again!

Going through rough times because I am a control freak and everything about my life and where it is going is being held back by someone else who I suspect is having a nervous break! (only explanation I can find, quite ironic given the fact that I do neuroscience research!)

Anyway!

In all my drama, all of my demented moments I always try to find myself. Not in an esoteric way, but in an introspective way. A cell biology teacher of mine always said that nothing is made by accident in cells. The mechanisms, the proteins, everything is there for a reason. We just didn’t find out yet the entire pathway.

And every time I am in a difficult mental state I am trying to understand. I am experimenting on myself. See what works and for how long.

For example, drugs don’t. If you manage to get to the euphoria-like state, after so many degrading years, it means you are going to suffer like hell the next to days. What happens to me A LOT during hangover is a sense of self-despise.

I hate myself for what I have done to my body. So planning to get shit-head drunk does not work for me. It can happen because the mood is there and you let yourself go and it’s good. But getting to that state on purpose just makes me feel worse.

Then there is sport. I used to associate sport with my body-shaming. I have always hated my body (working on it now…) and the gym was the place I had to go to fix it but always failed. In conclusion, physically it was good for my muscles and organism, mentally I was worse.So far it is shit right?

So I had to try the hippie stuff, essentially trying to make me feel good by doing things that value me for me! Get it?

For example photos.

I don’t need recognition. Although it is always nice to hear that people like it 🙃 but I have learned to appreciate myself. I really do. Not in a cocky-full-of-myself way. But happy and proud of what I can do regardless of others. Regardless if it is not as good.

I also like to draw, maybe I should try. 🤓 At the end, I just want to feel good about myself. I have done so much judging and hate towards me that I feel I have to give myself big emotional hugs everyday so I can survive my own mind. Have a nice day beauties!

🖤🐘 

Love, T.