Hello world! Sorry for the disappearance. I know I repeated so many times I would come back more often and ended up not doing it. I am sorry that I put myself so high that I thought I could handle it but I didn’t. And I am glad I didn’t forced myself. Truth is, the most difficult period of my life has come to an end (I know #firstworld problems). I don’t mean to devalue anything that anyone could be living or has lived that is by definition way more traumatic  that a bad PhD, but the suffering was real. The pain was real. And in my very comfortable existence, I have been in pain for the last year in a half, not believing this could ever end. The reason my pain was so long comes from what I think, the culture of the “never giving up”. I am sure my parents and family and society, wanted only to motivate people not to give up after small difficulties… but truth is, it has been taken into a dangerous and sick level. Right now, people go to extremes not to disappoint this “rule of life”, and get sick… some even die. On top of that you have people expectations. Feeling this responsibility to not disappoint when in a bad environment… this is a molotov cocktail for the brain. I was expected to do well in school. I was expected to be great at everything I would start. I constantly defied the people… I should have been a medical doctor… I chose biology! I was chosen in two masters, I chose the unexpected one, and not the well named one. I decided to wait a year so I was sure a PhD was my choice (now I know there was not really a choice…). Then I chose a well known boss to work with…. and I moved my life… which changed completely. Coming to Germany led me to the most difficult place of my life. I suffered 2 massive heartbreaks… but mostly I gave up on myself. I had to learn how to love myself… I don’t remember when I did before… I feel I had to learn from the start. I, then, met an incredible person, which couldn’t have been more perfect for me now. After I managed to survive myself… I started suffering mental abuse at work. A work I put so much of myself into. Being accused of not doing enough, being lazy, or just dumb… the person deciding when my righteous title could be given. My life was being delayed… and that decision came from someone else and not me. For a long time I considered giving up. And what I have to say is: yes I am proud of myself, I deserved it, worked for it and went through hell for it. But..! I could have given up, and if I did… it would have been completely ok! Sure you can say that I would have thrown out years of work… but I was very close from something bad happening. So yeah! Congratulations for myself! I did it, I survived it. But to all the people who chose to protect themselves, because they know they did their best but it is not safe to continue something that is breaking you… you are just as good. And you deserve also to be recognised, for caring for yourself in spite of society trying to bring you down for it! Live your life as you wish! And mine… I feel has been on pause for almost 2 years! I am going to recover some lost time and smile all day! everyday!!!

🐘🖤

Love, T.